Last Goodbye

There is someone who is leaving me.

Their reasons are both valid and heartbreaking.

I sit here and try to imagine my life without this person..and I can't. No matter how final their words were, I can't bring myself to accept them. For almost 10 years we have been a part of each others lives. Through different relationships and different states we've always kept in touch. And no matter the circumstances, we were always able to find each other.

A little over 2 years ago, I woke up one morning and realized that I was completely and unconditionally in love with this person. Without a single doubt in my body and mind, I knew that this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. These are feeling that I never thought possible because no matter how much I cared for someone, I always kept my guard up just a bit and never really let myself become to open. But, with this person, no matter how much I tried to deny it (which I did) I just couldn't. This person had me body and soul...and it scared the living shit out of me. It scared me every time I looked in their eyes, all I wanted was to take hold of them and never let them go. It scared me so much I spent an entire year pushing them away because I was too scared to give myself to them, which led this person to fall into the arms of someone else, so I guess my plan worked better than I actually wanted it to.

The last 2 years have been both really good and really bad for both us. Mistakes were made, mostly by me, and some bad choices were made, not all but some by this person, which in turn pushed her into the arms of someone else again. We have both tried over the last year to make amends and fix things between us, but there are some things that apparently just can't be fixed. Their feelings on certain things in my life are just too much to bare, no matter how hard they've tried. As I was told, "I'm just not built that way,". And as much as that tears me apart inside, I have to accept it because...I don't have a choice.

So, as I get ready to begin the new year, I have to face the fact that a HUGE part of my life will no longer be there. Someone I planned on raising a family and growing old with. Someones' face I wanted to fall asleep looking into every night and wake up to every morning. Someone I could talk to about anything. Someone who was my best friend. I know they will end up reading this and I know they will hate me for even writing this, but they also know that this this is how I deal with what's inside of me.

Because I can't talk to you about it anymore...





i have this picture of you.
from many years ago when the days seemed longer.
you were sitting under an old, tired tree
staring away into the distance.
your eyes so far away from where we were.
i remember the sun beating down on us that day.
i remember holding you in my arms as we laid against that tree.
words you whispered to me as if we were children
trying to keep secrets from prying ears.
i remember you laughing out loud into the wind.
i remember never wanting to lose that moment.
i remember

Out With The Old aka 2008

So...another year has come and (almost) gone. Is it just me or did most of 2008 kinda breeze through? Sure, there were moments when it felt like the year would NEVER end. or at least for me anyway, but for the most part I thought it kinda went by pretty quick. And as with most people, I find myself looking back on past events as we wind down the clock towards 2009 and find myself hoping that for the most part the next year will be a little bit better. Now I'm sure all of us do this. We all have things that we want to be better for us and our family and friends when the new year begins. Me? It's pretty simple. Stability, honesty and commitment. To myself and to others as well.

As most of you know, with my band schedule it was hard for me to spend the time I needed to with Christian. As he gets older (he just turned 5 in Spetember) I feel like I've missed out on so much of his life already that I don't want to miss anything else. He's grown up so fast. It's still crazy to think that I have a 5 year old son. Well, I've worked out a schedule with my band that will change the time I get to spend with him. Starting in January, I'll have him every other weekend. Although this will leave me cutting out some gigs and with a little less extra cash in my pocket, the important thing is I get to spend more time with my son, which in the long run pays better than any gig I could pick up. And the guys in the band have even offered to pick up some shows during the week to make up for any shows we can't do when I'm with Christian. They've gone above and beyond on this without me even having to ask. They're a great group of guys and I'm very happy to call them my friends.

Like I was saying. Stability, honesty and commitment.

There are also other areas I'd like to work on as well that deals with the big 3, but that's a topic for another time perhaps, depending on if I want to open that particular Pandora's Box. So, I hope everyone has a great holiday and may 2009 bring us everything we want and more. I know I've got my fingers crossed.

So here goes nothing...

I really have no idea why I'm here.

I mean, honestly, why I am I doing this? When I first signed onto MySpace many a moon ago, I began writing and posting blogs. Hell, I'd been writing down all kinds of crap since jr. high. Whether it was just me bitchin' and moanin' about how much school sucked or why the blonde girl in math class that I would drool over every freakin' day wouldn't speak to me even though I would go out of my way to say hi to her or just silly song lyrics that popped into my head or mushy, nausea inducing poetry that I would sneak into said blonde girls' locker when she wasn't looking, unsigned of course, hoping she would recognise my handwriting and come to the miraculous conclusion that I was the man of her dreams and fall madly in love with me. Man, sometimes I miss how simple life was back then.

Anyways, my point. Did I have a point? Oh yeah. So, I would post these blogs on my MySpace page and every now and then someone would read it and drop me a line either saying they agreed with whatever point I was making at the time or to suck it up and quit being a girl and to get my dick out of my heart. Regardless, it seemed that whatever I was writing, apparently someone was interested enough to read it. But, after a while, the curiosity faded and no one it seemed was reading anything I was posting. So, I just quit. No more blogs for me. So how, do you ask, did I end up here? Doing the same thing I swore not do anymore? Well, if you know me, I say alot of crap that I end up eating crow on. And the fact that I have been reading some blogs by a certain special someones' sister has totally put the blogging bug back into my system. So I have returned to the scene of the crime, well actually a new scene being that I first started out doing these on MySpace, to annoy and entertain you with my silly ramblings about day to day (although I won't be posting these everyday. Just when the mood strikes.) bullshit that you could probably care less about, but I gotta get it out of my system sometimes and I figure this is the best way to do it. And for those of you worried about being mentioned here, just know that all names, places and dates will changed to protect the innocent and such and yada, yada, yada.

And so it begins. I hope you all will come along for the ride and please feel free to leave any comments or suggestions on anything and everything. See you soon...