Last Goodbye

There is someone who is leaving me.

Their reasons are both valid and heartbreaking.

I sit here and try to imagine my life without this person..and I can't. No matter how final their words were, I can't bring myself to accept them. For almost 10 years we have been a part of each others lives. Through different relationships and different states we've always kept in touch. And no matter the circumstances, we were always able to find each other.

A little over 2 years ago, I woke up one morning and realized that I was completely and unconditionally in love with this person. Without a single doubt in my body and mind, I knew that this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. These are feeling that I never thought possible because no matter how much I cared for someone, I always kept my guard up just a bit and never really let myself become to open. But, with this person, no matter how much I tried to deny it (which I did) I just couldn't. This person had me body and soul...and it scared the living shit out of me. It scared me every time I looked in their eyes, all I wanted was to take hold of them and never let them go. It scared me so much I spent an entire year pushing them away because I was too scared to give myself to them, which led this person to fall into the arms of someone else, so I guess my plan worked better than I actually wanted it to.

The last 2 years have been both really good and really bad for both us. Mistakes were made, mostly by me, and some bad choices were made, not all but some by this person, which in turn pushed her into the arms of someone else again. We have both tried over the last year to make amends and fix things between us, but there are some things that apparently just can't be fixed. Their feelings on certain things in my life are just too much to bare, no matter how hard they've tried. As I was told, "I'm just not built that way,". And as much as that tears me apart inside, I have to accept it because...I don't have a choice.

So, as I get ready to begin the new year, I have to face the fact that a HUGE part of my life will no longer be there. Someone I planned on raising a family and growing old with. Someones' face I wanted to fall asleep looking into every night and wake up to every morning. Someone I could talk to about anything. Someone who was my best friend. I know they will end up reading this and I know they will hate me for even writing this, but they also know that this this is how I deal with what's inside of me.

Because I can't talk to you about it anymore...





i have this picture of you.
from many years ago when the days seemed longer.
you were sitting under an old, tired tree
staring away into the distance.
your eyes so far away from where we were.
i remember the sun beating down on us that day.
i remember holding you in my arms as we laid against that tree.
words you whispered to me as if we were children
trying to keep secrets from prying ears.
i remember you laughing out loud into the wind.
i remember never wanting to lose that moment.
i remember